Bernard Axelrad Scholarship Fund

My daughter Lisa recently left us to return to Israel after a particularly warm and satisfying summer visit.

Since Lisa has resided in Israel for seven years, now, we do not see each other often. As is our wont, we delved into each other's affairs, general and personal, and felt free to comment candidly and critically.

It didn't all go smoothly. There were clashes and differences as each of us would probe into sensitive areas, but somehow this process of personal discourse and involvement has a salutary effect.

With the Thanksgiving and Hanukkah seasons upon us, my thoughts turn to what a precious gift I possess and how grateful I am. I not only love my children (as a father should) but happen also to like all four of them. There's a difference.

To the poor immigrants of some 60 years ago, on the lower East Side where I was raised, "naches from kinder" was probably the most sought after commodity, more desirable than material things and just as hard to achieve. How fortunate I am to have such naches, such pleasure and gratification, from my children.

Don't get me wrong. Measured by objective standards of yuppie accomplishment, they would be no great shakes — no physicians, dentists or lawyers among them; nor even great prospects of achieving wealth or fame — but I do like their value system and the kind of people they are: considerate, sensitive and sentient; reliable and self-reliant. They are the type I would like to have as friends (which they are to a great extent).

The hallmark of our relationship is communication. I feel free to tell them what I think on almost any matter, personal or otherwise, and they are at liberty to do likewise. Our exchanges would seem intrusive and even meddling to others, but for us it seems to work. I'm just not comfortable operating under undue verbal constraints.

When my children were younger, a tacit understanding evoked that (a) they could talk to me about anything going on in their lives, without fear of punishment or censure, (b) would then express myself from ihe vantage point of maturity and experience. and (c) they would make the final decision after digesting the parental words of wisdom, and I would abide by that decision. This last element is most vital and indispensable if children are to accede to such a system. Presumably, I was comfortable with giving my children such final option because I did trust their judgment.

In any event, it worked for us and we all benefited from it It doesn't mean that we saw eye to eye on most matters, but at least I was more aware of what was going on with them and I had the opportunity to make my oracular contribution. Quite often, after initial recalcitrance, they would modify their position as a result of my input, without necessarily informing me or conceding anything.

The most gratifying by-product of this two-way communication was that I learned to listen to them and discover how they felt. In the process of integrating that information, become a much more understanding and effective father. It certainly was a marvelous bridge for the so-called generation gap. Truly, their sharing with me was the single most essential ingredient in my growth as a parent. While that did not happen instantly and was rather tortuous at times, it did enable me ultimately to relate to my children in a more sympathetic and comprehensive manner.

Unquestionably, I learned as much from them as they did from me in the exchanges. Not having had a role model in my own father that I cared to emulate, I was open to a fresh approach to parenting. If at all. I used my father as a reverse prototype. Because he was a distant and authoritarian figure for me, I tried not to present an intimidating image to my own children.

Parents...represent a fearsome and formidable figure for their children.

Parents, and especially fathers, should be aware that generally they represent a fearsome and formidable figure for their children. To young children, unsure of themselves anyhow, their father can be an omniscient, omnipotent, and distant icon.

It behooves a father to humanize himself in the eyes of his children so they can see his frailties; his warts, and some of his own insecurities. This I tried to convey to my children so their own climb to maturity and achievement would not be unduly handicapped by trying to emulate or compete with some fantasy father.

In parenting, my constant guide was my own memory. I remembered well what, as a child, I didn't like and what I missed in my own father. To the best of my ability I tried to be the kind of father I would have liked for myself.

Lest it sound too facile, let me hasten to add that it didn't all flow smoothly in textbook fashion. and there were blowups and setbacks along the way. In eclectic fashion I learned incident by incident, episode by episode, and I made my share of mistakes. It was truly on-the-job training. and I venture to guess that I was a more relaxed and knowledgeable father to my youngest child than to my eldest.

While I believe that open lines of communication between parent and child are essential to a healthy relationship (just as they are for spouses and peers), I feel more lucky than smug that it happened to work for me.

I made many trade-offs in my career because I wanted to devote more time to my children. Success is more than making a lot of money.

Measured by naches from my children, I feel prosperous, indeed.