The Most Precious Gift

Several years ago I was asked a very provocative question by a young friend whose impending fatherhood, most likely, impelled him to seek mature guidance. "Now that your children are all grown," he inquired, "and you have had an opportunity to reflect on their rearing, I have a question for you.

"If there is one quality, and one only, that you had the power to bestow on children, what would that be?"

He was somewhat surprised at my immediate response: "Self-esteem."

That conversation was brought into present focus for me by a recent letter from my son Steve, in Israel. Referring to his 4-year-old daughter Dina and her progress, he made the following comment.

"She really surprises me with her understanding. I guess at her age kids develop quickly because I invest almost nothing in forwarding her intellectual ability through educational games or other stimuli. I simply give her a good feeling about herself and provide her with the proper tools if she initiates anything herself, and she seems to do the rest."

In those eloquent but almost self-deprecatory terms my son was setting forth the greatest gift a parent can give a child: Self-referring to the obnoxious conceit of the braggart or the confidence man weaving his phony spell.

— It means going through life serene and unquestioning of self, free of inner turmoil.

— It means being able to plunge into new tasks without crippling self-doubt and indecision.

— It means not being paralyzed by a perfectionist complex in every undertaking. If you make a mistake, so what?

— It means being capable of truly loving another because you are truly able to like yourself.

— It means being able to stop defending and pretending, being at ease with both self and others.

Those that have that special gift of self-acceptance have the energy and mental toughness to keep moving, whereas the self-doubters tend to agonize and bog down in endless self-examination.

It betokens a state of mind that is impervious to petty criticism from both without and within.

In short, the feeling of self-worth frees one to achieve nearer to capacity. Most of us never approach that.

I'm not talking about a mere surface show of confidence which is designed to deceive and beguile the outside world while one's insides are wracked with doubt and uncertainty. Nor am I referring to the obnoxious conceit of the braggart or the confidence man weaving his phony spell.

There are those who go through life in low-key fashion but with the confidence that is the genuine article. It is not always easy to distinguish between the real and the spurious, but the world of difference there is as between diamonds and paste.

Those who have the real thing are truly blessed.

In my estimation, Ronald Reagan is a conspicuous example of someone who exudes that special brand of self-confidence. Even his most ardent admirers would concede that he doesn't necessarily exhibit outstanding scholarship or intellect, or exceptional ability; but his assuredness, and his obvious freedom from doubt, dispel impediments and enable him to lead effectively. People tend to believe in him even when he's obviously wrong. Whenever errors are pointed out to him, he doesn't collapse in mortification but plows ahead with some explanation that may or may not be relevant, and proceeds to the next topic.

What's more, President Reagan not only feels good about himself, but he has done a remarkable job of making Americans feel good about themselves.

Another clear example of the life and no record of accomplishments can give birth to self-assured public figure is Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher of Great Britain who has proved herself to be a dynamic and popular leader even though she is contentious and controversial. She never appears to question herself or to be torn by indecision.

All of us have encountered the contrasting kind of person who, despite being endowed with ample aptitude and intellect, is a notorious under-achiever because he or she is bedeviled by self-doubt and swash in self-criticism. Such unfortunates are victims of their own lack of self-esteem. It is a life-long curse, only somewhat relieved — but never cured — even by an impressive array of distinct accomplishments.

Lack of self-esteem is a scourge which blights personal and professional relationships. Also, people with low self-esteem seek ersatz gratification in drugs and alcohol.

If self-esteem is the passport to peace of mind and achievement, then how to attain or bestow that marvelous treasure!

As with so many other of life's puzzles, the source of personality and temperament has no simple explanation.

From my observation, the matter of feeling good about yourself has to arise early in childhood. It has to be implanted and nurtured from infancy.

No amount of praise later in life and no record of accomplishments can give birth to compliments can assuage an inferiority complex and make life more bearable, but they cannot generate self-assurance that was not already there.

Thus, as I read and reread my son's letter, I was filled with a warm and gratified glow. He had learned the secret of good parenting.