Bernard Axelrad Scholarship Fund

July 15, 1989 was one of the saddest days of my life. It was the night of my beloved son Kevin's wedding to Maureen, and I would not be there. Not because I was not invited, not because I did not love Maureen or question her character or values - but she was not Jewish and my feet would simply not take me to that wedding. For me it was as simple and immutable as that.

My communication with Kevin had always been excellent, and for over a year Kevin and I had carried on a continuing dialogue on the issue of his proposed inter-faith marriage. He loved Maureen, and while he could understand my religious objections - and to a great extent he had similar views - nevertheless love ruled the day. He was adamant about that.

Since Kevin was the most religious of my four children and had been inculcated with my views since childhood, I could not understand how he could proceed with the marriage. On the other hand, Kevin, who had always felt my unwavering love and support, could not comprehend how I would not attend his wedding once he had made the decision.

Thus, while my mother and other members of my family attended the 9 p.m. (after Mariv) secular Saturday night wedding service, my wife, Lillian (who did not agree with me but chose not to attend in support of me) and I spent a disconsolate evening. I wished Kevin and Maureen well but there were tears in my heart.

Most of my friends were appalled at my action and warned me of the dire consequences, both as to Kevin and especially Maureen. But I knew better, well-knowing my Kevin and having sublime faith in Maureen and her insight in not perceiving my absence as a personal affront to her. After the wedding, neither Kevin nor Maureen nor I discussed the matter any further and I felt an egregious void, but no regrets, at not having attended the wedding.

In the ensuing years of their marriage, Kevin and Maureen were blessed with Rachel (now 7) and Hannah (now 4) and Lillian and I were devoted and doting grandparents. While Kevin requested, and Maureen agreed, to raise the children 'Jewish', the inevitable problems wrought by an inter-faith marriage arose. Especially at Christmas and Easter, the family-minded Maureen, raised in a Catholic household, found herself in a quandary. Suffice to say that inter-faith marriages with children work mostly when neither spouse follows religious precepts or rituals or cares much about religion.

While I obviously felt strongly about the situation, I scrupulously refrained from importuning Maureen to convert. It is not the Jewish way and not my style to urge such a meaningful measure on anyone.

Maureen freely attended our Passover Seders and joined us at services on High Holidays along with the two adorable girls. I grew ever fonder of her over the years as I witnessed the love and devotion between Kevin and Maureen and the numerous instances where she displayed strength of character and an exemplary value system.

More than eight years after their marriage as the girls grew older, Maureen decided to take a course on Judaism at The University of Judaism and Kevin joined her. Over a period of six months they faithfully attended the class and Maureen learned about all our Jewish holidays and traditions, about keeping kosher and eating at kosher restaurants and attending synagogue services on Saturday and keeping the Sabbath as a holy day. It was wondrous to observe Maureen absorb and devour all that store of knowledge.

At the end of the course, it almost followed naturally that Maureen opted to convert to Judaism. Studying for the test and appearing before the three-rabbi Beth Din was another hurdle which Maureen negotiated, followed by a visit to the Mikvah along with Rachel and Hannah. Finally, Maureen became a Jew and one can only imagine the tortuous mental and emotional inner journey that was involved in the process.

One final postscript remained. On October 4, 1998 Kevin and Maureen were married at Temple Etz Chaim in Thousand Oaks by Rabbi Shimon Paskow in a very moving Jewish ceremony, attended by Maureen's family and friends and by Kevin's family and friends and featuring Rachel and Hannah seeing their mother and father take their vows under the Chupah. I had a large contingent of my friends present, all of whom were pleased to share in my joy.

It took more than nine years, but I finally did attend Kevin and Maureen's wedding. It closed the circle for me with a happy ending. This may only be a minor vignette in the larger scheme of things for most people, but for me it was a most momentous and fulfilling occasion.